And I take it all back

OK, so every kind word that was in yesterday's post about dear hubby Paco???? Well, fuhgetaboutit. Seriously, wipe it all from your mind. I take it all back.

This man. . . This man who vowed to honor and cherish me almost 13 years ago. . . to protect me . . . This man who should have my best interests at heart . . . this man. . . well . . . he let me go out in public looking like a TOTAL AARRSS!!!!!

Ever since I've gotten my fabulous bangs, I have somehow lost the ability to use a curling iron. It's like the 80's never existed. Every time I try to curl my bangs a bit I end up burning my forehead. It's awful. I think I've have burned it so many times now that I have a permanent scar.

I put a lot of thought into a solution to my problem. I thought perhaps if I got a different curling iron that it might solve the dilemma. However, the new curling iron has a smaller barrel, and it gives me the 80's rolo bangs. Very groovy. Yeah, not so much.

Anyway, after many trials and experiments, I have learned that if I do the 80's jerry-curl rolo bang and gel it lightly and clip it off to the side for about 10 minutes, well, the result is perfect, fabulous bangs.

So, my daily hair ritual involves clipping my bangs off to the side with an industrial size hair clip that hair-dressers use. It is bright silver, and 4" long. About a 1/2" wide. With little circle cut outs. Quite a large, ominous clip. Probably from the 80's. A large, antique clip.

You KNOW where this is going, right????

Oh yes, my dear spouse of almost 13 years, Senor Paco Pants, allowed me, his loving wife who is in excruciating pain, to exit the house wearing the LARGE silver clip in her bangs.

Oh, and it gets soooooo much better. Not only did he let me wear it out of the house. He let me wear it to the Orthopedic Surgeons office, to the drug store, to the grocery store, AND to pick up the kids at school.

Yes folks, I spent an ENTIRE day traipsing around town with a freakin' satellite receiver attached to my forehead!!!!

When I got home and saw my reflection and realized that I had been wearing the clip ALL DAY LONG, well, I was a bit, well . . . how do I sum it up . . . I was in a semi-murderous rage. (eye twitch, eye twitch.)

I used my very best I'm-pretending-to-be-nice-while-not-strangling-you-voice and quietly asked Paco if it perhaps had crossed his mind to tell me that I had a Godzilla sized clip protruding from my head at any point during the day. Or perhaps, was he just proud to be seen hanging out with a woman in a wheelchair who clearly fit the window-licker part.

His response??????

"Oh, I thought it was some new barrette."

AFTER 13 YEAR OF TOGETHERNESS, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I WOULD PURPOSELY MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A COMPLETE TARD???? DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOOOOO STYLE WHATSOVEVER????? (Eye twitch, eye twitch.)

"Um, I dunno. I guess I never really pay attention to that kind of stuff."

At this point my eyes are twitching so much that I'm actually fluttering. I'm about ready to take flight. I don't even know what to say to him. I'm actually speechless. (Yes, I know, a first.)

I know I am a chubby, married woman, but I am always a stylish, chubby married woman. I do try to take my appearance very seriously.

Suddenly all the people running out of my path at the grocery store makes complete sense. A fat woman in a wheelchair pushing a grocery cart with a metal rod sticking from her head is bound to look a bit suspicious. I probably would have ran too. Maybe I even had a booger sticking out of my nose. That would have been perfect.

I am trying to think of proper form of payback. Your suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

In the meantime, I have switched to bobby pins for obvious reasons.