Glory, Glory, Hallelujah

Rarely do I have the time or energy to do two posts in one day, but I have exciting news and I must shout it from the rooftops! I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in LOVE!! And I don't care who knows it! (That is my quote from the movie "Elf" because that may be one of the best movies, like, EVER.)

I have found a fabulous swimsuit that actually FITS! (Cue trumpets, sun beams, and parting of the sea.) Dum, dum, da, dum, I SAID that I found a fabulous swimsuit that fits AND looks halfway decent. (Cue loud gasps and applause!)

I was completely freaked out a first, because when I opened the package and pulled out the suit, it looked like it was supposed to fit a 7 year old. I may have had to lube up my thighs with baby oil and jump off the bed to get into the darn thing, but once it was up and on the sun came out from behind the clouds and I could hear the angels in heaven trumpeting the sweet sounds of "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah."

The darn thing cost me more than a week's worth of groceries, but it is a "miraclesuit:, and I must say that it lives up to it's name. I actually have two separate boobs, a distinct right, and a distinct left. And, my girls are even in the proper hemisphere. I don't have that loaf-of-bread bosom that you usually get with swimsuits. It is simply fabulous!

And the truly exciting part is that when you look at me from the front, I have an actual waist. There is this fabulous hourglass thing going on. (Sadly, when you look at me from the side, there too is a not-so-fabulous hourglass thing going on. However, that one is all on me. Oy.)

I don't know what this suit is made out of, perhaps duct-tape fibers and anti-gravity solution, but it is quite possibly the greatest piece of clothing I have ever owned. I am so gonna wear it to my Parent-Teacher conferences today. I will get my money's worth one way or another.

Perhaps I have merely overdosed on happy pills and this suit doesn't look nearly as good as I think it does . . .

Santa! Oh my God! Santa's coming! I KNOW him! I know him!