Car and Driver

I don’t speak Car and Driver. So, I find it humorous that Paco always has me take the cars to be serviced and then complains because I never get it right. And it must be that time of year because I have spent 2 days in the last week stuck at various auto dealerships getting the vehicles repaired and serviced.

The other day I took the van to get the brakes looked at and to have some warranty work done to the door and a seat frame. First of all, I was charged a “diagnostic fee” for the dealership to even look at the car. Needless to say, that upset me quite a bit. I bought the dang car there, and they need to charge me money to tell me what’s wrong with it so then they can charge me more money to fix it. After dropping off my van at 8:30 am (I had an appointment) I finally get a call at 3pm that my van needs new rotors, brakes, an air filter, and an oil change. And, they can do this for $587 plus tax. WTF??????

OK, so I don’t speak car and driver, but I’m not a FREAKIN’ MORON either!

I kindly tell the gentleman just to do the warranty work and I will take the van elsewhere to get repaired.

Then he has the nerve to try to talk me into the repairs. “Ma’am, you really shouldn’t be driving your car in this condition. We could make all the necessary repairs and have everything ready for you in 2 hours.”

“OK then, if you can have everything ready in two hours , then why are you charging me 8 hours worth of labor? And why are you charging me $109 for rotors and $72 for brake pads when I can get them at the parts store for $39 and $24? Oh, and also, if you blow out the air filter with an air compressor, they clean up like new.”

Obviously he wasn’t expecting me to have a clue because there was a long silence and then I got a “ok then, all your warranty work has been done and you car can be picked up any time.”

Yeah, thanks.

So today I am getting the Suburban serviced. It needed an oil change. The fancy place that I’m at today even does a free 29 point inspection. And of the 29 things, I think this guy is trying to tell me that 28 things are wrong.

Again, we need brakes and rotors. (just on the rear this time.) And, the transmission fluid is almost black. And we really need an alignment. And wiper blades. And, they can fix it all up for us for the low, low price of $818 plus tax.

OK, do I really have MORON tattooed on my forehead?

I kindly tell the nice 18 year old that is helping me that my husband can replace the brakes and rotors, and that I’ll have him switch out the transmission fluid as well.

“But ma’am, we have a machine that can do all the work for you. Your transmission holds 14 quarts of fluid. It can be very messy.”

Didn’t I just tell you that my husband can do it? My hands won’t get dirty. No worries. And, it will only cost me about $250 for everything. Thanks though. I did cave and tell him to do the alignment because I know Paco can’t do that.

So as I am waiting for my alignment to be completed I pour myself a cup of really bad coffee with some pathetic powdered creamer and start watching the Today show. Did you know that during the last hour of the Today show that Kathie Lee Gifford is a host? I had no idea. So anyway, after watching for 20 minutes I have decided that I CAN NOT STAND KATHIE LEE GIFFORD. I even had the pleasure of seeing her cheating-hubby Frank because he had a cameo. Seriously, someone needs to send her away on a cruise that never comes back. How can someone that spells Kathy with an “ie” on the end NOT be annoying? (um, if any of you spell your name that way it totally doesn’t count.)

But after this last week of dealing with car repairs I have decided that I am going to open a garage. Obviously there is some big money to be made in this business. And since no one is shopping at my store, I am thinking I might have to find another job soon enough anyway.

I will cater my garage to women and the few men on the planet that have no clue about cars. I will serve great coffee with real creamers, have great shows on the TV, have clean and comfy chairs in the waiting area, and women working behind the counter that can explain in human terms what really needs to be done. There will be a huge glass wall so people can see the hot mechanics in muscle shirts working on their cars. (And, seriously, I will ONLY hire hot mechanics in muscle shirts.) And, I will charge less than everyone else. (When they bill you $90 an hour for labor and you KNOW they are only paying the staff minimum wage, you can’t go wrong.) It’s brilliant! I might even offer spa services while you wait. Oh, the possibilities. . .

I feel another career move coming on . . .