Sven my love, it's over.

As many of you already know, I am not such a big fan of exercise. The only time I run is if someone is chasing me. The thought of doing it for "fun" makes me laugh until I pee myself. I mean, THAT -IS-FUNNY! Running, for FUN?? Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee. Oh, I am wiping the tears from my eyes.

In an effort to make my workouts more fun (or to trick myself into working out without knowing it) I purchased the Wiifit. Oh, yes, I head heard such wonderful things, and as you all know from my Sham-Wow purchase, I am such a sucker.

I conveniently waited until I was home alone to begin my first session. I really didn't want my family to see me stuffed in my sausage suit, because the boys have a tendency to point and laugh. I decked myself in my finest spandex and my new nikes and began the tedious process of making my Wii person. On the Wiifit, there are also some balance and coordination tests, a BMI test, and the dreaded weight test.

As I was attempting some of the balance and coordination tests, a large sign popped up on the screen asking me if I fall down a lot. Hardy, har, har, har. EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME?? Um, I paid for you, and I could totally skip the sarcasm part. Thanks. So, I continue on and a few minutes later, another sign pops up and asks me if I have trouble walking. Nice, eh? If it's not bad enough that I am doing my best to emulate Jane Fonda, I am here, making an attempt to work out, and I am totally being picked on. BY A MACHINE!!!!!!!!

So, after finishing up all the requisite tests, a cute little Wii person appears on the screen. She is supposed to be the cartoon version of me. She tells me that I am obese, uncoordinated, and quite pathetic really. She estimates my Wii age to be 55. And if that's not bad enough, she gets fat . . . right before my eyes. She goes from this cute cartoony little girl, to a fat, rolly-polly weeble. I think she even got some wrinkles. Ouch.

The good news? My weight makes me eligible to be a linebacker for the Buffalo Bills.

I start out easy doing some aerobics. You follow along with the Wii people, and it's actually pretty easy. I am doing so well that I am awarded a bronze medal for my efforts. Nice. It's great to finally be recognized for my hard work.

I do a few more rounds of aerobics, really stepping it up this time. I accidentally catch my foot on the end of the board, trip, and knock over the end table. Oops, I guess this is why it said to give yourself lots of room. I am scolded on screen and reminded to follow along with the Wii people to keep pace. Ok, I get it.

I slow back down to a more normal pace, and I manage to score a silver medal. Woo-hoo! (My darned hubby has the gold and I am nowhere near his scores, so I give up even trying.)

I move onto some strength training, and it is here that I meet my trainer Sven. (I named him Sven because I envision him to be a part time masseuse slash yoga trainer, and I totally add a swedish accent when I read his onscreen posts.) I decided to go with Sven as my trainer, because I knew that I would totally resent Kitty in her tight spandex with the cute butt. Not the best motivation for me, ya know.

So Sven is sweet-talking me, and I can totally tell he's into me. We start working out together, and he turns to the side and I see what looks to be a 1980's era rat tail hanging down his neck. Ewwwwww. It may just be a stubby pony tail, but still, Ewwwwwwwwwww. I am totally over Sven now. I bet he has B.O. His flirting is just annoying now. I tell him I must go and I log off. I just can't get over the bad do. He's supposed to be all new-agey and yet he is still stuck in the 80's. Oy.

Life gets in the way, and it's a while before I can get log on again. I am reminded of this right of the bat as my trainer yells that it has been 6 days since my last work out. Thanks for keeping track I reply. My trainer also reminds me that obese women are twice as likely to die early. Thanks for that. I appreciate it. Let's make the fat girl run, and maybe I can just die now. You'd love that, wouldn't you Sven? I remind him that he is a video game, and I can unplug him at any moment. Oh, yeah, back off Sven.

I start off with a light jogging exercise. It's a bit easy, so I start picking up the pace. My Wii trainer kindly tells me to keep pace and stay behind my trainer. But, that's just a bit too easy, so I attempt to pass my trainer, and my fat Wii person falls flat on her face. Nice. Even in cartoons I'm completely uncoordinated.

I switch back to aerobics, and because I've been doing so well, I've unlocked a new level. Now, I get to do clapping along with my aerobics. It doesn't sound like much, but somehow manage to trip, fall, land on the dog, and send the little Wii remote clear across the room. I guess it's a sign for me to quit for awhile.

I log on the next day, because I don't want to be yelled at. In a stroke of brilliance, I figured out that if I hold the Wii remote when I walk on the treadmill, I can totally double dip and get lots of Wii credits. Sven is practically salivating because I am walking at a marathon pace. And, I am thinking of how brilliant I am for tricking the damn machine. Yeah me!!

(Oh, I also figured out that if you just stand still and shake the Wii remote up and down, you can fool the machine into thinking you are running. I have unlocked almost everything now that I am working out at a Lance Armstrong pace.)

The good news? I have lost 4.6 pounds, and my right arm is totally getting toned from all the er, running.

The bad news? I have had to break it off with Sven. But, he keeps calling me. . .