If I were President

OK, so the conversation I had with Paco about him running for office has really gotten me to thinking. (I know, you can see the smoke. Ha, ha.) I think I would make an excellent politician. I would be brutally honest, up front, and make logical decisions. I’ve run a business; I know how the sum of all parts makes up the whole. I think I’m fair and reasonable. I think I would totally rock a Presidential wardrobe. I could easily be the President of something, right?

If you had the power of the President, what would you do? Seriously? I have been putting quite a bit of thought into this and I have compiled a list of what I would do as President. (Everyone could still call me Mrs. P. Isn’t that cute?)

1. I would make an application process for parenthood. I don’t think everyone should be allowed to reproduce. You have to jump through hoops and get a complete background check to get a business license, but anyone can have a kid? (Someone like me for instance, may have their application flagged.)

2. I would make all insurance, gas, and utility companies be not-for-profit. Don’t understand why they are making money at our expense.

3. I would have all rapists and child molesters get sterilized. If you can use it like you’re supposed to then you don’t need it, right?
4. I think anyone receiving public assistance should also be given mandatory birth control.

5. I think birth control should be free and available to all. (It ticks me off that Viagra is covered under my prescription drug plan, but I had to jump through hoops to get my birth control covered even though I am taking it for medical reasons. OK, and for my sanity.)

OK, so let me explain a little bit here because obviously you can sense my bitterness. I am a little a P.O. ed about the Dr. in California that treated a single mother of 6 (that has no job and receives public assistance) for infertility and thus she has just had another 8 babies. I feel that since the Dr. took it upon himself to think that this was appropriate medical care, then he or she can also pay for the family’s medical bills and care. Why should this be a taxpayer expense? This woman clearly has issues and now she and her 14 children are going to be on public assistance for the next 20 odd years.

I personally know a woman who abuses public assistance and keeps having children so she can get a bigger tax refund. And it makes my blood boil. Oh that reminds me. . .

6. You should not be able to get a tax refund unless you actually work for any continued period of time.

7. You should not be given a tax refund greater than what you actually paid in taxes. Um, I think I know what might be wrong with our economy. People that are paying in $2500 in taxes are getting $8000 back. Hello???? Does this make sense to anyone? Why are you profiting from paying taxes? And, why doesn’t it ever work in my damn favor????

Yes, I know. I am Bitter Betty. But, I know that my husband and I are educated people with three kids and JOBS. We pay taxes out the wazoo. We (ok, so I) clip coupons to save money. And the government thinks we are ok and they never offer to help us with anything.

But someone with 3 kids, no husband and no job can get free housing, free food, free utilities, free health insurance, free medication, and child support to boot. Nice. She can sit home all day watching a 60” flat screen TV, drinking soda and smoking cigarettes, and use her tax refund to by a Coach purse and Jimmy Choos, and then have the nerve two months later to ask her baby’s daddy’s sister if she has any boots that would fit her son because he doesn’t have any. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

So, anyway, going on . . .

8. I would also create a Politician Security System. (Kinda like Homeland security, but just for politicians.)

I don’t know why someone hasn’t done this already. Doesn’t anyone else wonder where they get all their money? State senators & Congress Reps make around 166K a year. So why doesn’t anyone question the fact that they travel in private jets, own 2 or 3 million dollar homes, have expensive condos in DC and all sorts of investment companies and properties? And remember the guy with 90K in cash hidden in his freezer? I think public officials should be held to a higher level of scrutiny, after all, they are setting an example, right?

9. I would make every telemarketer give you their home phone number when calling you.
10. I would reinstate operators and receptionists and outlaw digital answering systems. When you called somewhere you would speak to a person who would then connect you to another person. No press 2 bull crap. REAL people. Hey, this would create jobs too. See, I’m on to something.

11. I would make any person that has been convicted of road rage have to drive a hot pink car that blares Abba music. (And you know they’re all men so this would really do wonders I think.)

12. I would install breathalyzers as a standard feature in every car. If you’re not sober, you can’t start it. No more drunk driving. Period.

13. I would insist that bills and laws be written in plain, everyday English. No legalese. So the average person could read them and understand them. Then perhaps we wouldn’t be voting to use $6 million of tax stimulus money to fund the preservation of wooden toy arrows. (Oh, yes, that DID happen. I watch me some CNN every day.)

14. I would make EVERY 13 year old boy and girl go through a pregnancy and child care simulator that reflected 12 hours of back labor with no pain medication and the three weeks post delivery with a colicky baby. If that doesn’t turn them off to sex, nothing will.

15. I would also make every husband poop out a red-hot bowling ball with no pain medication. Perhaps they might think again when relaying stories of childbirth as “easy” and “everything went really smooth.”

Oh, there is so much I would do, I could go on all day. And, I don’t want to bore you will all the details. There is just so much crap in politics and government that doesn’t make any sense to me.

We need a woman’s perspective in the President’s seat. And, sorry Hilary, I secretly think that you have a pair of cohonies tucked up under your skirt so you don’t really count. So, vote for me.

Seriously, I don’t have the ambition to run for the phone, let alone any public office. But, if anyone wants my opinion, ya’ll know that I’m happy to share.