Synchronized Snoring

My husbands ability to snore rarely ceases to amaze me. However, his antics last night were absolutely blog-worthy.

Paco has been a consistent snorer since we were married. However, it seems to be gotten worse through the years. Now his snores have actually started to crack the sheetrock on the ceiling in our room from all the vibrations. Seriously, it is quite bad. I constantly have to roll him over when he is sleeping so he will stop. Yet he is still in denial that he snores. (I have video taped him several times to prove my point but he thinks that I am making the snoring sound because it is so exaggerated. Hellooooo - McFly - that is the lovely snorking sound you make on a regular basis!!!!!)

Out of sheer desperation I bought a product for him called Snore-Stop. (Actually is was free with a rebate so I figured it was worth a shot.) So I put the box on his dresser so he would be sure to see it. He comes home last night, sees the box, and asks me "who is that for?"

"You, numnuts" I say.

"But I don't snore" Paco says.

"Um, yes, you really do." I reply.

"Well, it can't be that bad because I've never noticed it." He states matter of factly.

Ya THINK?????? Perhaps you haven't noticed it because your FREAKIN' SOUND ASLEEP?????!!!!!?????

I was grabbing my imaginary knife and clenching my teeth when I sweetly replied, "maybe you could just try it tonight for my sake. Kay?"

I think he grunted something but I was too busy running from the room to avoid having to go all spousal abuse on him.

Neither one of us has had much sleep for the last few nights, as we have had a steady stream of coughing kids wake us up. So, to say that we are tired is a mere understatement.

Paco and I finally got settled on the couch a few minutes after 8. He had the remote (as usual) so he was switching back between American Idol and some show on discovery about a swamp monster. He's got the remote in his hand, aimed at the TV, and he is scrolling through the channels to see what else is on. One second he is clicking on Ghost Hunters and the very next second he is snoring. It happened so quickly that I thought he was faking, but upon further inspection (OK, so maybe I stuck my fingernail up his nose) I found that he was truly sound asleep. He still had his arm up pointing at the TV and he was snoring like a lumberjack.

I quietly reach over to grab the remote so I can watch something other than Alligator Man and as my hand is within 1 inch of the remote, Paco suddenly opens his eyes and starts clicking through the channels. He never even skipped a beat.

"Dude, give me the remote, you were zonked out and snoring again." I say.

"No I wasn't." He says.

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn't." He repeats.

"I gave you a wet willy and you didn't even flinch. I can assure you that you were asleep. So give me the friggen remote!" I say as fire blows out from my nose.

He grudgingly hands me the remote. And before I am back to the other couch, he is already snoring again. You have got to be kidding me. This has to be some sort of record. Does anyone have a copy of the Guiness Book of Records handy? Every once in a while he would do a snort/choke snore and I would think that for sure that would wake him up. But, he never even cracked an eyelid.

I click through the channels and I settle on Ghost Hunters. I watch long enough to get my blood pressure up enough so that I am completely wide awake. So, I switch to CSI and try to get drowsy. Finally at 10 pm I round up the troops and head for bed.

Within minutes Paco was snoring again. Go figure. And apparantly it's contagagious because Otis was snoring right along in syncopation. Wonderful. Now the hubby has the dog snoring. (And, I should add that my spoiled dog not only sleeps with us in our bed, but for the last 4 nights he sleeps under the covers with his head on the pillow. MY pillow. Snoring in MY face. If he weren't so darned cute . . . .)

At 12:28 I am still wide awake. Paco and the dog are now snoring in unison. I nudge the dog and give Paco a hearty swat and that stops the insanity for a few moments. Just long enough for me to fall asleep.

My dreams were rudely interupted at exactly 3:36 when my precious son Deuce crawled into bed beside me. "Mom, I can't sleep in my bed." At this point I wouldn't care if Jeffrey Dahmer crawled into bed with me. I'm exausted. So, I tuck him in, give him a smooch, and try to fall back asleep.

Five seconds later Deuce, Paco, and Otis are all snoring. It's a symphony of snores now. Aren't I such a lucky girl to have my own personal lullably crew?

At 3:42 I grab my pillow and head for the couch.

Tonight, however, I will be force-feeding Snore-Stop to both the hubby and the dog before bed. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do . . .