Only In My World

Seriously folks, I can not make this kinda stuff up. Crazy things always happen in my world. All I can think of is the old Hee-Haw song "if it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all . . ."

So, I recently bought a one month tanning package to prepare for our April trip to Myrtle Beach. Yes, I know, someone who had a cancerous mole removed 6 years ago really shouldn't be tanning. But, I don't care what anyone says, fat and wrinkles both look better tan. So, there you have it.

Anyway, I buy this one-month package and I manage to get 1 session in before Trey gets sick. So, in two weeks time I've managed to go exactly twice.

I made a conscious effort to go tanning this morning before work. Since the place doesn't open until 9, I killed time by stalking Wal-Mart for clearance items. (And lucky me snagged a supercute shirt for the hubster for $3. Woo-hoo.)

At 9:05 I enter the tanning place and got myself signed in. (The young lady behind the counter was crying and I totally should have taken that as a sign and left.)

I get in my room and get busy lotioning up every ounce of my skin. I am so looking forward to my 7 minutes of Vitamin D. I take my time and really lotion up nicely.

Um, I wasn't wearing underwear today (which is in itself a long story that I may or may not share with you at another time. In the meantime, just use your imagination.) so I rigged my spandex sausage pants (I planned on going to the gym afterward so I was dressed in my best Buns Of Steel ensemble.) into a sort of loin cloth. I was quite proud of myself actually for my amazing problem solving skills.

I am one of those people who always wear my bra and undies (or a swimsuit) while tanning. In my mind everyone else does too. The thought of laying in someone else's butt juice will get me hyperventilating. I know they clean the beds between tanners, but still . . . So, I have convinced myself that everyone tans in their panties. My butt has never seen the light of day and is a glorious shade of snow white.

Anywhooo, I finally get myself lotioned up, loin-clothed, and tucked into the bed. (Oh, and I had a cute hot pink barette with a monkey on the bed pulling back the ever-fabulous bangs.) I put my little hot pink gogglettes on and I attempt to turn on the tanning bed. As I tried to turn on the bed I turned my head just enough to have one of my goggles fall off my face, land on the tanning bed, and ricochet out of the bed. I only had 1 minute before the tanning bed turned on by itself so I hurried to search for my lost goggle.

I am on my hands and knees searching when I realize that the goggle has slid under the 1" gap in the wall partition and is now in the hallway. And it is about a 1/2" away from the tips of my fingers.

Great, now I have to open the door and step outside my private room to retrieve the goggle. I realized that I wasn't dressed to pull that off without major problems, so I threw on my knee-length black raincoat and I carefully opened the door.

I did the whole CIA/Spy maneuver and looked cautiously in both directions. I figured if I ran out really quickly no one would even be the wiser. I mean the place just opened, how many people could be there already?

The coast was clear so I quickly ran out and grabbed the goggle. As I bent over to pick it up, my makeshift loin cloth just happened to fall down around my ankles. So, now I have to do a careful squatting maneuver to pick up the loin cloth because if I attempt to bend over, all my girly parts will be on display.

So now I am attempting a ballet-style plie squat to get my loin cloth. And, as I do this, I also manage to drop the goggle again, and this time it slides under another partition into a room with a closed door and the glowing blue light coming out from underneath.

I again try to do the graceful squat maneuver to retrieve the goggle from under the door. And, just at that moment a very cute college boy exits the bathroom and starts heading down the hall toward me.

This must look really good. A half naked woman squatting in a rain coat with a pair of pants around her neck and her hand under someone elses door. Can you say "psycho stalker?"

Naturally the cute college boy has to make a smart comment and he smiles and says "oh, are you a flasher?"

"I'm sorry son, I don't feel like scarring anyone for life today. I just dropped my goggle." I say and run back into my room.

At this point the tanning bed has already been on for 2 minutes and I only have 5 minutes left to get my glorious tan. I wear the one goggle that I have and keep switching it back and forth so I don't get pirate-eye syndrome.

After my 5 minute escape, I quickly redress and hide in my room until the person across the hall leaves their room and I can retrieve my goggle.

I get my goggle and bolt for the door. I really hope they don't have surveillance cameras. Because if that is the case then I can never go back.

And, as I sit here sharing this story with you it has come to my attention that my make shift loin-cloth may not have been the best idea either. I clearly missed a good portion of my snowy white butt that is now a wonderful shade of hot-pink, and causing me a bit of misery.

The truly sad part? I will be back tomorrow for more.