Fashion Police

Clinton and Stacey really need to make a trip to Ithaca. Today, I saw a woman driving a Volvo wearing a life preserver. A big, orange, puffy, life preserver. I panicked when I first noticed her. Perhaps she knew of an impending apocalypse, or perhaps she was preparing for the melting of the polar ice caps. But, as she drove closer to me, I noticed that her life preserver happened to have a fur trimmed hood. Then it hit me. This woman dressed this way on purpose! She thinks that actually looks good.

I swear to you all right now that if I had lights and sirens in my mini-van I totally would have pulled her over. Seriously, after several fleeting glances I feel it safe to say that this woman needs a bit of a fashion intervention.

I can't say that I am the most fashionable person at all times. Usually at any given moment you can find some sort of stain on me. I affectionately refer to my hooters as crumb catchers, so you get the idea. But I do my best to color coordinate and I am ALWAYS well accessorized.

However, the idea of someone using a boating aid as a piece of avante garde fashion is very unsettling to me. Clearly if she can afford a Volvo, then she can afford to shop somewhere other than Bob's marina. I can only assume that she is single and friendless, because no one that really loves her would let her out of the house like that.

I hereby give each and every one of you the authority to "arrest" me should I ever commit such a fashion offense. I can't promise you that my two-ton thunder thighs will always look fabulous stuffed into various ensembles. But, I solemnly swear that said thighs will be supported by fabulous shoes and hidden behind marvelous purses that more than make up for it.