Back to the Gym

After dealing with sick kids for what seemed like centuries, I finally made it back to the gym. And, oh what a welcoming committee was there to greet me!

Not only was Kitty there in her SKINNY jeans and Farrah Fawcett hair, but she was joined this time by two blond co-eds that I have affectionately named Tawny and Bambi. And, also joining the crew today was Fitness Frank. I can only assume that he is the owner because for an older, bald man with a bit of a pot belly, he seems to be the center of attention. They are all standing behind the counter which I have dubbed "the ring." Any smart comments from a single one of them and you bet your booty that I will jump right in their ring and hurt someone. I am soooooo sleep deprived that I am borderline psychotic today.

There is only one other person in the gym today beside my welcoming committee, and that is Crazy Mike. He is the toothless-tattooed wonder that thinks hitting on fat girls is an Olympic sport for which he is training. Wow, can a girl get any luckier??? I give him the finger right off the bat today so he doesn't even THINK about trying to chat me up.

I grab my towel and head for my throne in the corner. I get myself situated with my ipod and my book and I start pedalling away. This bike used to be my favorite machine in the world. But for some reason, today my thighs feel like they could spontaneously combust and any moment. It's so bad that I see Kitty standing by with a fire extinguisher. I can only think that when I did my tanning parlor squats the other day that I must've used some muscles that haven't seen action in a while. But at any rate, I am pedaling in pain. This is going to be a very long 30 minute ride.

About 12 minutes into my session I see everyone in the ring watching me. At this point I am the only one in the gym, so they all get to focus their attention on me. A few seconds later Tawny starts walking toward me. Oh great. I pause the Ipod and see what she needs.

"Hi there!" she chirps in her I'm-so-happy-I'm-a-hot-size-4 voice. "We couldn't help but notice that aren't getting the most out of your workout today. You really need to slide your seat back a notch so that your legs fully extend as you are pedalling."

"Thanks, but I'm comfortable this way." I shoot back. And I give her a look that clearly says "if your bony little butt even tries to tell me one more thing I am going to strangle you with the wires of my Ipod." What I really wanted to say to her was "well, Tawny, at least I'm not on the couch eating a box of ho-ho's. Something is better than nothing."

I didn't realize I was being patrolled by the Fitness Police. Is this a free service or do I have to pay a monthly fee? I wouldn't be surprised if they start handing out tickets soon. That is just how my luck is going lately.

As a side note, I have to add that there are 3 televisions in this gym. They are all 12" TV's that are bolted to the ceiling. They have the sound off but closed captioning on so that you can read what is going on on the screen. But the funny part is that due to the locations of these TV's, you would need binoculars to read anything on the screen. For some reason I find this extremely humorous. I think tomorrow I will bring binoculars just to see what happens.

I finish my tour-de-france on the bike and I do a few rounds of sit-up thingys on a weird looking machine. (I'm sure I'm doing that wrong too but they wouldn't dare correct me today.)

I toss my towel in the bin by the door and shout goodbye to the crew in the ring. And, I literally shouted goodbye because I had my Ipod on super loud and I didn't realize it. Oops.

I can only imagine the talk in the ring after I left. They probably don't have another client that is as bitter about working out as I am. Or as bitchy. But, hey, what would they have to talk about if I hadn't been there today?