Side Effects

I wish to warn you all about the ill effects of Percocet. Apparently if you take a Percocet and watch TV, you will think you need to have every crazy item that they are selling. Somehow this drug affects the brain in such a way that you become void of all common sense. Infomercials are my new vice. I can’t watch one without ordering. I have become a sucker.

It has gotten so bad that Paco has threatened to hide my credit cards.

I will highlight a few of my recent purchases:

Touch n Brush – if you can get it to stick to the wall, it’s fabulous. My girlfriend actually had to stick hers in the shower because it won’t stick anywhere else. Gives the perfect amount of toothpaste every time. However, my kids still manage to get toothpaste on the ceiling. Go figure.

Bump its – fabulous hair bumper. Just can’t manage to make me not look like a blonde Amy Winehouse with a 3’ birds nest on my head. Need more practice.

Ken Paves & Jessica Simpson Hair Do – I still don’t remember ordering this. When the box came, I thought it was a joke. And then I saw the receipt with my signature. Hmmmmm. Very interesting. It’s a blond hair piece that doesn’t work with my hair whatsoever. I’ve tried and tried, but it looks like a dead cat sitting on my head. Still haven’t figured it out. But, it certainly makes for an interesting evening, let me tell you. It looks FABULOUS on my dog Otis. I will post pics at some point. However, if you see me out in public with my, er, hair looking like Dolly Parton’s, well, please be kind. Remember, I am on medication.

Strap Perfect – Could have just used a safety pin, but really needed the fancy plastic disc that provides an instant boob lift and perfect posture. Yeah, not-so-much. I would need a Frisbee-sized disc to give my girls the lift they need.

Smooth Away – Worthless. Rubs your skin right off. So, technically, a good hair remover, I guess.

Topsy Turvy – Will let you know when I am enjoying grapefruit sized tomatoes weeks from now.

Buxton Purse Organizer – My purse weighs 400 pounds, and my 8 year old thought I really NEEDED this. Every time the commercial comes on he reminds me that I really should get it. It is hideous looking, but really has pouches and pockets for everything. It is actually quite handy because it straps across my chest, so I can still use my crutches. Now my purse only weighs 300 pounds and I look like Granny Grunt. But, at least I can find my cell phone.

Jewelry Television – Wow. I think I need EVERYTHING. I spent 20 minutes on hold trying to order an 8 carat tennis bracelet. Luckily it sold out before I sobered up. Don’t think I could have snuck that charge past Paco.

Orange Glo Wood Floor Repair – Just makes the floor look wet and shiny for a few minutes. Doesn’t restore crap. Doesn’t fix crap. And still requires me to actually push the mop. Dud.

Aqua Globes – Wonderful product. However, there is a secret that they don’t tell you about. (You need to refill them for them to be completely effective). I still managed to kill 4 houseplants.

Sham Wow – Vince is a hooker-beating liar. Does NOT suck dog pee out of the carpet with just a few punches and tappity taps. Ok, so I technically purchased these prior to Percocet, however, it is so much fun to say hooker-beating liar.

EZ Combs – Wow, prom worthy hair in seconds. (I haven’t ordered yet but I think I can’t live without them. Will be ordering once I find my credit cards.)

I must be close to some sort of infomercial record. I am fully expecting Billy Mays to send me flowers any day now.

Oh, and if you are not poor like me and Girlfriend Beki, please buy something at www.LiaSophia.com/ColeenMcKeown there is still time.

If I could only find those darn credit cards . . .