Eating Healthy Can Be Bad For Your Health. Seriously.

In a desperate attempt to lose all the weight I have gained since I injured myself, I have rid my house of all processed foods and evil temptations and stocked it with only healthy and nutritious foods. (Well, I did keep the many bottles of wine because I'm sure I read somewhere that it is good for you.)

To start off my fabulous new healthy-eating lifestyle, I went to our local natural grocery store and spent over $100 on things like steel-cut oats, quinoa, organic wild rice, grapeseed oil, lentils, and tofu. (I know this sounds weird coming from me, but I promise that I will continue to shave my arm-pits and I will NEVER own a pair of Birkenstocks. Pinky swear.)

I was a bit concerned about my new diet as I have had past experiences with health food where I could have sworn that I was eating pine-bark and toenails. But, desperate times call for desperate measures and I felt that this was the way to go.

I started out my first day with a warm bowl of steel-cut oats with fresh strawberries and soymilk. This was very yummy and kept me full until lunchtime. My lunch consisted of lentil salad. Again, quite yummy. Dinner was a salad I concocted out of quinoa, tomatoes, basil, feta, garlic, and a balsalmic vinagrette. Once I got past the texture of the quinoa, the flavors were really quite wonderful. I went to bed feeling proud and satisfied. I was on my way to being the poster-child for good eating.

Day 2 I started my morning with another bowl of steel-cut oats with soymilk. I packed myself a healthy lunch of salad with herbed-tofu, and I headed out for a 9:00 meeting with a client.

As I started driving, I could hear my digestive tract kicking in as faint snap, crackle, and pops could be heard from my lower abdomen.

About half way to work, I felt a bit, um, gaseous, so I discreetly let a few butt-bombs in the privacy of my mini-van. After about 200 or so, I figured I was safe and I headed to my meeting.

My client arrived promptly at 9 and we sat across from one another on some modern leather chairs. (I figured if I um, accidentally let a little one slip, I would pretend that it was the leather chair squeaking.)

About 10 minutes into our meeting, I could feel some strange cramping in my bowels. Again, I could feel the snaps, crackles, and pops, only now they were beginning to register on the Richter Scale.

At this point, I am in excruciating pain. I am rocking side to side and my legs are twitching. I have my butt cheeks squeezed together so tightly that I am now starting to sweat. I am afraid to move an inch for fear that the gas I am holding in will erupt like Mt. Vesuvious.

Within 5 minutes my face is red, I am sweating profusely, and I am sitting in the chair half hunched over. My client is clearly concerned about my pain, and naturally assumes it is my knee.

"Oh, yes, my knee is killing me right now. Yes, my knee. I apologize. It, um, hasn't been this painful for a while. Can you excuse me for a few minutes? I just want to go to the bathroom and um, splash some water on my face."

I do a baby duck waddle to the bathroom. (I couldn't take a full step with my cheeks squeezed so tightly together.)

I finally make it to the potty and what happens next . . . well, I don't even dare tell you. All I can say is that it was a scene very reminiscent of the movie Dumb and Dumber where Lloyd is at some girl's mansion and proceeds to drop the loudest two-sie in history. (I could have provided the sound effects. It was that baaaaaaad.) I actually had to look into the toilet bowl because I was quite sure that my bowels had literally exploded. I was certain I would find an organ or two in there. Or some spare car parts.

Seriously, the effect was similar to steel wool and a power-washer. Not pretty. After about 10 minutes, I was finally able to remove myself from the throne.

Lucky for me, my bathroom is located in a small room off of our storeroom, so there are heavy doors providing privacy (and a bit of sound proofing). However, if my client didn't hear my little episode, I'm sure the fact that I reeked of Spring Meadows after being gone for 15 minutes was probably a dead giveaway. (I'm pretty sure I was waddling a bit bow-legged as well.)

Needless to say, my meeting ended shortly thereafter. I spent the rest of the day worshiping the porcelain god. (And I have since come to the conclusion that I will never buy anything less than two-ply TP ever again.)

I promptly bought myself an industrial-size bottle of Bean-O and I have have started eating an insane amount of cheese.

I am proud to proclaim that I have had a thorough power-cleaning from my rooter to my tooter. However, I have eased up a bit on the fiber, and try to limit it to once a day.

Who knew that eating healthy could be bad for your health?